Dear Journal

January 30

Day 56

Sometimes. Sometimes I just want to understand.

Can someone tell me why kids in the states, for the most part, take school for granted and don't appreciate it while kids here are thrilled at the opportunity to go to school?

Some of them walk miles to go to school, even though it's not safe. It's totally normal to see little kids, some as young as five years old, walking to school by themselves.

The other day...I saw a tiny girl walking home by herself. There were five men walking a little ways behind her. A little while later...when they had disappeared and were out of sight...I heard a scream. I could hope and pray to God it wasn't what I dreaded.

You might wonder...

What parent in their right mind would let their five year old walk to school by themselves?

A parent who realizes that education=future.

A chance to make something of yourself in the world.

A chance to make a name for yourself.

A chance to break the cycle that has been in your family for generations.

Did you know...the reason so many girls are trafficked in India is because they don't have an education?

Here...education is everything

Before this trip...I never fully understood the importance of education. Since coming here, I can see it so much more clearly.

A couple weeks ago when we did a program at a school, we had the chance to talk to the person who owned the school, a dignified old lady who started the school 54 years old. When I asked her how the school got started, she replied that she and her husband had seen something missing from the educational system of the day so, in response, they started a school of their own. As she served us tea, coffee, and croissants, I felt honored to sit in her presence, almost as if I were talking to Queen Elizabeth. Here was lady who noticed a problem and determined to do something about it. Those kinds of people inspire me.

Sometimes. Sometimes I want to understand.

Can someone please tell me why the state of Kentucky can grow enough food to feed the entire world but a child in Africa dies every 5 seconds due to starvation?

I'm tired of people telling their kids to finish the food on their plates “because there's starving children in Africa.” Finishing food on your plate isn't going to help children in Africa, unless it helps you feel less guilty. You actually have to do something about it. Feeling bad isn't enough.

I'm tired of people saying they're starving when they have no idea what they're even saying.

God, forgive us.

I have felt and seen the pain in a whole new way on this trip then ever before.

I've struggled against letting my heart grow cold and numb.

I've been angry at God multiple times, wondering how he can still claim to be good.

But now...I'm not angry at God.

I'm angry at us.

Humankind.

With great power comes great responsibility.

How can we let this happen, God? How can we hear those stories and not even bat an eye?

God, I refuse to go back to normal. I refuse to let myself be unchanged by this trip, to forget what I've learned. I want to spend my life doing the impossible, challenging the status quo, and fighting injustice.

This...This is what I was created to do.

And I must never forget to love. Passionately. Love without conditions. Love with abandon.

Without love...I am nothing.

Talked with Nick about all that this morning. Wasn't planning on it...but realize just how much I've kept bottled inside during this trip. He said, “Anna...I don't even know what to say. Honestly.”

But it was okay.

Because I didn't need him to say anything. I just needed someone to understand me, to listen to me, to know their heart was breaking like mine was. He reminded me that I didn't want to be normal and that God didn't put me here to be normal but so that I could heal this world.

Sometimes. Sometimes I just want to understand.

But no matter how hard I try, I can't understand.