Dear Journal

January 30

Day 56

Sometimes. Sometimes I just want to understand.

Can someone tell me why kids in the states, for the most part, take school for granted and don't appreciate it while kids here are thrilled at the opportunity to go to school?

Some of them walk miles to go to school, even though it's not safe. It's totally normal to see little kids, some as young as five years old, walking to school by themselves.

The other day...I saw a tiny girl walking home by herself. There were five men walking a little ways behind her. A little while later...when they had disappeared and were out of sight...I heard a scream. I could hope and pray to God it wasn't what I dreaded.

You might wonder...

What parent in their right mind would let their five year old walk to school by themselves?

A parent who realizes that education=future.

A chance to make something of yourself in the world.

A chance to make a name for yourself.

A chance to break the cycle that has been in your family for generations.

Did you know...the reason so many girls are trafficked in India is because they don't have an education?

Here...education is everything

Before this trip...I never fully understood the importance of education. Since coming here, I can see it so much more clearly.

A couple weeks ago when we did a program at a school, we had the chance to talk to the person who owned the school, a dignified old lady who started the school 54 years old. When I asked her how the school got started, she replied that she and her husband had seen something missing from the educational system of the day so, in response, they started a school of their own. As she served us tea, coffee, and croissants, I felt honored to sit in her presence, almost as if I were talking to Queen Elizabeth. Here was lady who noticed a problem and determined to do something about it. Those kinds of people inspire me.

Sometimes. Sometimes I want to understand.

Can someone please tell me why the state of Kentucky can grow enough food to feed the entire world but a child in Africa dies every 5 seconds due to starvation?

I'm tired of people telling their kids to finish the food on their plates “because there's starving children in Africa.” Finishing food on your plate isn't going to help children in Africa, unless it helps you feel less guilty. You actually have to do something about it. Feeling bad isn't enough.

I'm tired of people saying they're starving when they have no idea what they're even saying.

God, forgive us.

I have felt and seen the pain in a whole new way on this trip then ever before.

I've struggled against letting my heart grow cold and numb.

I've been angry at God multiple times, wondering how he can still claim to be good.

But now...I'm not angry at God.

I'm angry at us.

Humankind.

With great power comes great responsibility.

How can we let this happen, God? How can we hear those stories and not even bat an eye?

God, I refuse to go back to normal. I refuse to let myself be unchanged by this trip, to forget what I've learned. I want to spend my life doing the impossible, challenging the status quo, and fighting injustice.

This...This is what I was created to do.

And I must never forget to love. Passionately. Love without conditions. Love with abandon.

Without love...I am nothing.

Talked with Nick about all that this morning. Wasn't planning on it...but realize just how much I've kept bottled inside during this trip. He said, “Anna...I don't even know what to say. Honestly.”

But it was okay.

Because I didn't need him to say anything. I just needed someone to understand me, to listen to me, to know their heart was breaking like mine was. He reminded me that I didn't want to be normal and that God didn't put me here to be normal but so that I could heal this world.

Sometimes. Sometimes I just want to understand.

But no matter how hard I try, I can't understand.

Lessons from the caterpillar

“It's kind of like a caterpillar, you know. You can't hold onto too tightly or else you'll kill it. And then you end up killing the thing you loved so much.”

“But what if I hold onto it too loosely and it slips out of my hand?”

“Then it's better than holding onto it too tightly and killing it. Don't suffocate it.”

“I don't want to loose it.”

“Just because you let it go doesn't mean you'll lose it. You'll find freedom. It's okay to hold on to something for dear life when it's selfless. But it's not okay to hold tightly onto it when it crosses the line of selfishness. And you know what else? If you let the caterpillar go, it'll turn into a butterfly.”

“The most beautiful butterfly.”

**moral of the story:: hold everything with an open hand**

Hey pretty girl, won't you look my way
Love's in the air tonight
You can bet you make this ol' boy's day
Hey pretty girl, won't you look my way

Hey pretty girl, can I have this dance
And the next one after that
Gonna make you mine there's a real good chance
Hey pretty girl, can I have this dance

Hey pretty girl, it feels so right
Just like it's meant to be
All wrapped up in my arms so tight
Hey pretty girl, it feels so right

Life's a long and winding ride
Better have the right one by your side
And happiness don't drag its feet
Time moves faster than you think

Hey pretty girl, wanna take you home
My momma's gonna love you
She'll make me sleep on the couch, I know
Hey pretty girl, wanna take you home

Hey pretty girl, let's build some dreams
And a house on a piece of land
We'll plant some roots and some apple trees
Hey pretty girl, let's build some dreams

Life's a long and winding ride
Better have the right one by your side
Happiness don't drag its feet
And time moves faster than you think

Hey pretty girl, you did so good
Our baby's got your eyes
And a fighter's heart like I knew she would
Hey pretty girl, you did so good

Hey pretty girl, when I see the light
And it's my time to go
I'm gonna thank the Lord for a real good life
A pretty little girl and a beautiful wife

                                           (Hey Pretty Girl:: Kip Moore)

Dreams

::Teach at a school, volunteer at an orphanage, or start sponsoring a girl in India

::Travel Europe with my sister Rebekah this summer

::get a degree

:let myself be loved by God

::get baptized in the Red Sea

::adopt a girl from India

::stop letting fears keep me from investing in relationships

::go on a mission trip to Mexico with the best friend

::never stop laughing

:;read more

::get my nose pierced

::learn how to serve

::have a vintage wedding
::road trip

::dream big

::My Year In Retrospect

Panama

My year started off in the Darian Jungles of Panama with an incredible team. It was there I learned about what it meant to give everything you have and leave it all on the field. I  learned what it meant to be a love revolutionary and love everyone you come in contact with. 

NCFCA 

 Competed in my last year of NCFCA and had my best year yet. So tremendously blessed by the past six years in NCFCA. The metals and trophies pale in comparison to the relationships I've formed and hold so dearly to my heart. I am so thankful for the lessons that speech and debate has taught me. It's challenged me to think and reminded me that words have power to breath life or death. 

SOMEHOW made it to semi-finals and missed competing in finals by one vote. So blessed. God seriously must have a sense of humor. 

Graduation

I graduated from high-school with two friends I've known since forever. Funniest moment was when I was walking down the aisle and couldn't remember where my speech was and was preparing myself to give an impromptu speech. 

Down South::Georgia 

Went down to Georgia to visit one of my dear friends I met on my mission trip to Nepal a couple years ago! It was my first experience "down south" and I loved it! I loved the Southern accents, sweet tea, and quaint little coffee shops and restaurants. 

Camp

Had an incredible week at camp filled with failing at playing sports, conversations under the stars, memorizing dozens of verses, laughter and jokes, getting one crap of a sunburn, and learning what it means to leave everything at the foot of the cross. 

Nationals

 Had the BEST time ever at Nationals filled with trips to Walmart and Sonic, hours of conversation, losing my voice, endless heavenly piles of bacon, and some of the hardest good-byes I've ever had to say. Treasured each moment of this tournament and couldn't ask for better people to compete with over the past six years! 

Alaska

Spent a week visiting my best friend in Alaska over the fourth of July. Watched fireworks over the ocean, toured the Disney cruise ship, hiked a mountain (almost died multiple times), and ate wild berries like a bear. Cheers to seven years of friendship with this girl! 

Nicholas Tate

 Cheers 3 1/2 years of friendship, taking risks, laughter, sparkling grape juice, coffee shops, poems, trips to the emergency room, attempting to learn how to drive stick shift, music and hard good-byes with this guy. Constantly blown away by how Nicholas shows me God's love every day and makes me look at myself through another pair of eyes and treats me ridiculously well and buys me chocolate and opens up the doors for me. He's a keeper. ((Even though he hates bacon as much as I love it.)) 

Family

Learned to value my family in a way I've never appreciated them before. Thankful for how I've grown so much closer to my mom and am learning to respect my parents, even if I don't agree with them. I love them beyond words.

Here's to deep conversations, learning to love coffee and country music, taking chances, adventures, taking chances, learning to be loved by God, traveling, friendship, prisms, music, and moving mountains in my life. Cheers. Bring in 2k14.