Sweet Jesus

((11:59 a.m))

Jesus.

Sweet Jesus.

This is my prayer.

This is my plea.

Will you please, oh will you please hold onto me?
Because I have no strength left.

I feel like I have nothing more to give.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take one more step.

I tell myself, “keep going. You are a fighter.”

But what happens when you have no more strength to fight?

I'm craving you because they tell me that you can heal.

I want to run after you and yet I have no more strength to run.

So I am crawling.

I am clawing the ground, dragging my bruised body up the hill that leads up to your cross.

But I refuse to give up because I want you more than anything.

Because you are the only one who makes life worth living.

I will run after you.

And if I cannot run, I will walk.

And if I cannot walk, I will crawl.

And if I cannot crawl, then I will drag my body.

But Jesus.

Sweet Jesus.

No matter what it takes, I will not give up.

Because you tell me that when I draw near to you, you will draw near to me.

You tell me that you strengthen the weary and give power to the weak.

You tell me that when I am weak, you are strong.

That is a promise I am staking my life on.

That is a promise I will run after.

And if I cannot run, I will crawl.

Oh and Jesus? Sweet Jesus, I have nothing to offer you.

Nothing but my broken, weary heart.

Nothing but my false Christianity

Nothing but my hypocrisy.

Nothing but my lies and deceit.

Nothing but my endless burdens.

As I drag my body up to the foot of your cross, I hold my breath.

For what will I find at the cross?
Condemnation for my hypocrisy and false Christianity?

I hang my head, shame filling me.

But at your blood stained, beautiful cross, I find rest for my soul.

I find freedom. I find love. A love that cannot be measured.

It is there that I leave my false Christianity, my heavy heart, my hypocrisy, and burdens.

And it is there I ask you. No. I cry out. I scream with every ounce of strength in my weary body. I beg.

Begging that you will take this life of shambles and make something beautiful.

Begging that you will touch my life.

Begging that you will see through my hypocrisy and love me the same.

And Jesus.

Sweet Jesus.

Will you hold me close to your heart? So closely that I can hear your heart beat?

So close that I can hear you when you shout and so close I can hear you when you whisper?

Dearest Lover of my soul, I have little to offer such a worthy King. I have brokenness and burdens. I have pain and problems. I have frustrations and facades. But you want it all. You don't just want the perfect, the beautiful, the right answers, the smiles, the whole.

Because how can you heal something that doesn't need healing?
How can you make something whole that is not broken?
How can you make something beautiful if it is not ugly?

I am leaving it all. All at the cross. How great, dear Lover, is your love for me. Love is not something you do. Love is your name. Love is who you are.

So I am running after you.

And if I cannot run...

I will crawl.

Second Best?

This is my sweet Nicholas. You know what I love about Nicholas? It's because I know that, compared to me, every other girl is second best. If there is one thing Nick has taught me, it's never settle for someone who treats you like you're second best. Never. Believe me. I've fallen for people who treat me like I'm second best. More than once, actually. It always hurts because you realize you're not who that person really wants. Always. But believe me when I also say that there is someone out there who will treat you like the treasure you are. Yes. You are a treasure. You deserve to be treated like one. Nick is the boy who has loved me for three years, who has told me I'm worth waiting for twenty more years, and still thinks I'm beautiful without makeup. I echo the words of Oscar Wilde, “Never love someone that treats you like you're ordinary.”Never.

It's the little things...

::laughter with my beautiful sisters

::naps

::meeting new people

::milk shakes, conversations on the tailgate of his truck, and a walk in the sunset with my boy

::God's promise that he will renew the strength of those who hope in Him.

::Someone who tells me I'm worth waiting for

::music on nine hour road trips

::phone calls with the lovely Rachel Ojeda and sweet Jenae Connolly

::going back and reading my journal

::seeing my beautiful friend from Georgia

::the verse in Isaiah 40 that says God will hold us close to his heart

::real street conversation with mama

::the words "I love you"

((never forget how blessed you are))

Take my hand

I'll teach you to dance

I'll spin you around

Won't let you fall down

Suddenly I'm feeling brave

Don't know what's got into me

Why I feel this way

Can we dance real slow?

Can I hold you, can I hold you close?

Leftovers

"These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught."  ((Isaiah 29:13))

Does it break your heart, God, when you give us your best and we give you our leftovers?
Does it break your heart, God, that you gave your precious, only Son and we smile and nod and say, "Jesus died for me? Yeah...that's nice..."?
Does it break your heart when you are perfect in faithfulness and we are perfect in faithlessness?
How do you feel, God, when you tell us to pick up our cross and follow you and instead all we do is a wear a cross around our necks?
Do you become sad, God, that you created people with free and yet we choose to become robots in our worship?

But check out the first part of the next verse...

"Therefore once more I will astound these people with wonder upon wonder.."

Astound.

He hasn't given up on us. God is saying, "Even though these people are robotic and consumed with the outward appearance instead of the heart, I am going to blow their minds. Check out what I am going to do!"

Someone recently told me that God is a gentleman.
He is willing to wait for us.
Yes, he yearns for a relationship with us.
He wants to woo us with his love, give us the best he has.
And yet. Because he loves us. He chooses to wait for us. 

The question is...if God gives us the best He has...then why are we still giving him our leftovers?

Bittersweet

Bittersweet. 

If I were to describe life in one word, it would be bittersweet. Life is so beautiful...yet so painful. But you know what's funny? Sometimes the best moments and the most painful moments are intermingled, creating this precious moment.

Life is glorious and magical and fun. Yesterday after youth group, a group of friends and I went to the dock at the lake and opened a couple bottles of sparkling grape juice in the fading twilight. We toasted to my new adventure in Colorado, my best friend's football year, and that we would be friends forever. And we laughed and freaked out when a cop pulled up by the dock even though we weren't doing anything wrong. Life is beautiful because it is full of laughter, rain, mid-night conversations with my cousin, water parks, friends, and horse back rides-each a precious gift from Jesus. Life is beautiful because I am blessed immensely.

But life. Life is hard. 

I'm not sure how to say good-bye when I leave. How do I leave the home, the only town, I've ever known? I'm trying to cling on and enjoy each moment but why? So that it will be a little  only more painful when I leave?
Life is hard because a eighteen-year-old from my youth group is pregnant and my heart breaks for her. Because I know how weak I am. Because I know I am no holier than her, that we're all in the same boat. Together. My heart breaks because I desperately want to reach out to her and love on her but she is pushing people away. She wants to pretend that after she gives the baby away everything will go back to normal but it won't. It can't. My heart breaks for her because, if I were in her shoes, I would be suffocating under the weight of shame and fear.
Life is hard because it is full of painful goodbyes. Yesterday my best friend and I stood by his truck and started talking about me leaving next month. Then we just hugged for a very, very long time as if hugging could make the pain go away and stop me from leaving.
"Why do you have to make this so hard?" I asked him.
"Because you made me your best friend," he replied. And you know what? He's right. I don't care what Disney says, but love hurts. People-sometimes even the people you love the most-hurt you, ignore you, use you, break your heart. But oh.
It is so, oh so, worth it.
Just because it hurts does not mean it is not worth the price.
I echo the quote by Tonya Timmons that says, "It's weird...you know the end of something great is coming, but you wanna hold on, just for one more second...just so it can hurt a little more."

Life is full of beauty and brokenness. Pain and perfection. Hurt and hope. But here is the promise that we can cling onto: even when life is not good, God is. Yesterday at youth group we played the worship song called "Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin:

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side

Wisdom from Winnie the Pooh

 "Some people care too much. I think it's called love."

 "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard!"

 "I knew when I met you an adventure was going to happen."

 "If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus one day so I never have to live a day without you."

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever.” 

“Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”

“Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.” 

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Shambles

I stood praying in the rain today.

“God, wash it all. Wash it all away.”

Because when I look at my life, who I am is not who I want to be.

When I look in the mirror, who I see is not who I want to see.

Instead I see shambles that represent a broken life.

I see anger, fighting, never ending strife.

Glimpses and flashbacks of my life make me wince.

A pile of nothingness represents my existence.

But they tell me...you can take a life of shambles and make something beautiful.

They tell me that you can take something broken and make it whole.

They tell me that you can take something worthless and give it value.

They tell me that you can take something weary and old and make it new.

So I'm clinging onto you and never letting go.

I'm following you in in the high and low.

Because here is the truth no matter what we think or feel.

When Jesus died, he paid it all with his blood-it was a done deal.

And he says, “Where you see brokenness, I see beauty.

Though you're forgiven, why do you live your life as if guilty?

Because there is no condemnation in me.

And slowly, bit by broken bit, I am making you into

who I want you to be.”

Oh, Nepal...how you still capture my heart.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

I still remember this day...

Everyone else was eating lunch.

Peanut butter and jelly.

But I didn't feel like eating.

Instead, I played with these three beautiful girls.

I picked them up and spun them around.

Beautiful brown eyes.

Flashing smiles.

Laughter.

It made every penny I'd worked so hard for worth it.

I. fell. in. love.

Outlaw

I used to stare at the picture of Jesus hanging in church.
A ((white)) man with a brown beard and sad, sad eyes.
Jesus, I'm learning, isn't who he think he is.
You know what frustrates me?
When Christians think they have Jesus all figured out.
Because here's the deal.
Jesus?
Well...he's full of surprises.
It really frustrates me when people say,
"Jesus wouldn't watch that movie."
"Jesus wouldn't get a tattoo."
"Jesus wouldn't listen to that song."
The list goes on. And on.
Of course, we can't forget the classic WWJD?
I don't think that's a bad question.
I just think we get the answer all wrong.
Jesus is full of surprises.
And us?
We're full of assumptions.
We assume Jesus wouldn't get a tattoo, go to parties, drink, or listen to secular music.
I'm not saying he would, either. I'm just saying that maybe we need to rethink who Jesus is.
Sometimes Jesus makes me laugh.
Because Jesus?
Well. You see, he was kind of an outlaw.
A homeless rabbi, you could say.
He made wine at a wedding.
He called God his father.
He forgave people's sins.
He hung out with prostitutes.
Ate with tax collectors.
Turned money tables in God's holy temple.
And we have the audacity to imagine Jesus as a quiet, soft-spoken man with a perfect beard and sad look in his eyes like the pictures always display.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but something tells me that's not how Jesus was.
Now let's get something straight. 
I'm not saying that Jesus was a madman.
I certainly don't want to disrespect Jesus!
But I think we disrespect Jesus when we fail to understand who he actually is.
When we're so engrossed by who we think he is that we stop searching for the truth of who he actually is.
Not who we imagine him to be.
Not even who we want him to be.
So please.
Stop trying to fit Jesus into a mold you've made.
Stop making assumptions about Jesus.
Let him loose.

{sisters}

 Lord, help the mister...

 who comes between me and my sister...

 And Lord, help the sister...

who comes between me and my mister

#hipsterdreams

i want. to be. a hipster. 

#hattersgottahate

So go ahead.

Love me.

Or hate me.

But I refused to be defined by what you think of me.

Three years ago. This week. I met one of my dearest friends. Nick loves chocolate milk and hates pickles and bacon and loves scary movies and is a stellar football player. He loves sweet onion chicken sandwiches from Subway and somehow has the guts to teach me how to drive stick shift and trust me to not wreck his truck. We've done countless wild things together and laughed and sat on the swings at the park and tried to figure out life. I used to think that three years wasn't that long, but now, looking back, I realize it is. In high-school, so many have "best friends" have come and gone. I'm so thankful to have a pal whose stuck with me through the thick and thin.I am amazed how God places people in your life just when you need them. I'm not sure how I would have survived the past three years of living in my town without Nicholas! He's the coolest kid on the block. 

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard." ~Winnie the Pooh