My Alter

Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating in the doubts and questions of the future, the unknown. Sometimes I just wish I could shut my brain off and stop thinking. Sometimes I hate thinking because when I think, I start to sink. Sometimes I cling onto things and people, afraid to let go, because I am afraid of what will happen if I do.

I struggle.

I fall.

I doubt God.

But I am learning.

I am learning that I must hold everything in an open palm.

But I know that I am not the first who has struggled with surrendering everything to God.  

So I crack open my Bible to read Genesis 22 where God tells Abraham to surrender his son on the alter.

God says, “Take your Son.”

As if that's not enough, he says, “Your only Son.”

Then if that's not enough, he adds, “Whom you love.”

And what does he say next?

“Sacrifice him.”

Abraham...take your Son. Your only Son. Whom you love. And offer him as a burnt offering.

If you don't understand the significance of this, let me rewind.

God promised Abraham that he would have a son.

He promised Abraham that his descendants would be a numerous as the stars.

Isaac was Abraham's dream. He was the fulfillment of the promise. He was the answer to Abraham's prayers.

And now...God was asking him to give up his dream.

God was telling Abraham to lay his dream, his answer to prayer, his only Son whom he loved on the alter.

What does Abraham do? Early the next morning, he gets up, packs his donkey, grabs his son, and they're off. It's easy for us to read this story because we know how it ends. We know that God's angel steps in at the last minute and tells Abraham to lay down his sword, but you have to realize that Abraham didn't know that.

I can't help but wonder what was running through his mind as he journeyed with his son. I wonder what he was thinking when he raised his knife to kill Isaac. His only son. Whom he loved. Imagine the relief he felt when the angel commands him to put down his weapon.

Unlike Abraham, sometimes I told my “Isaac” with a clenched fist. I'm afraid to give it to God and lay it on the alter because I am afraid that God will take it away. I know that God is a loving Father who only wants what is best for me, yet I still struggle to trust him completely. So I hold on to my Isaac, unwilling to lay my doubts and questions on the alter. Unwilling to trust. Because sometimes faith feels a lot like falling. Instead of trusting God with the future, I stress and worry about it. And then the unknown because an Isaac and God tells me I must lay it on the alter. I must surrender my Isaac.

Despite how uncomfortable and awkward it feels, I slowly gather the stones required to build an alter. Stone by stone, the alter takes shape. Then I heap my worries, my questions, my fears, my doubts on the alter.

Today I am laying my Isaac on the alter.

I am jumping into the unknown simply because God promise He will catch me.

I am trusting the One who holds the future instead of trying to figure it out.

Because, like Abraham, I want Jesus more than I want my Isaac.

Because I love Jesus more than I love my Isaac.

My Jesus. My only Jesus. Whom I love.