This Cross of Mine

I run my hand over the rough wood stained with blood.

His words echoing in my mind... “If any man come after me...”

I think back to that moment in time, how I'd felt my pulse racing.

I, I wanted to follow him. I felt like cheering.

Then he continued.

…“he must deny himself...”

I paused. Deny myself?

“...and pick up his cross...”

Pick up his cross? What was this rabbi talking about?

“...and follow me.”

A murmur spreads through the crowd followed by an awkward silence.

The rabbi knew what the cross meant.

The cross meant torture. Death. The worst, most cruel death the Romans had yet created.

And Yeshua was telling the crowd to pick up their cross?

I felt a lump in my throat...A cross meant certain death.

Yeshua was asking us to die to ourselves.

Confused, I found myself walking away with the majority of the crowd.

I hesitated, expecting, hoping that Yeshua would follow us and say,

“Alright! If that's too much to ask, let's work out a bargain.”

But...he didn't.

I glanced over my shoulder to see the teacher surrounded by his twelve disciples.

They looked as bewildered and lost as I felt.

I tried to ignore the Rabbi's words and push them from my mind.

And yet, I couldn't.

The words kept coming back to me...almost haunting me.

“If any man come after me, he must deny himself, pick up his cross,

and follow me.”

I knew what that meant: if you wanted to follow Jesus, it would cost you.

Everything.

Possibly even your life.

For years I wrestled with his words...I wrestled with my doubts and questions.

Was it worth it?

Did I have what it would take?

The stakes were high. I wanted to count the cost.

I kept that mindset. Until one day.

The day my God died.

On a tree.

On the cross he had spoken of.

I ran up to the cross.

Tears blinding my eyes.

Reaching up, I run my hand over the wood.

Feel the wood.

Feel the blisters piercing your skin.

Run your finger over the blood.

It was in that moment I saw it.

I saw the great love he had for me. For everyone.

I saw that even though the price to win our hearts was great, he paid it nevertheless.

I realized that just because the stakes are high doesn't mean it's not worth it.

And I realized.

The stakes? The cost? They so, so small because he is so, so worth it.