Demons of My Soul...

            Adonai.

            It was when I whispered his name that the first blow came.

            “Never mention his name again!”

            His fist made contact with my eye.

            “Understand?” He didn’t give me a chance to reply as he screamed, “Do you understand?”

            Unable to speak, I nod. I feel blood trickle down my lip, filling my mouth with its sticky taste.

            “If you mention his name again, I swear I will drag you with me when I return to hell!”

            Glancing around, the demon paces the floor as if waiting for someone.

            I lay on the cold floor, numb and exhausted.

            Adonai.

            Abba.

            Yeshua.

            Jesus, what have I done? Abba, what have I done with your Son?

            He had offered me the world and I had refused. What I would give to go back and do it over! But when I told Adonai no, I had sealed my fate, my destiny. There was no turning back, no white prince who would come and rescue me. I was getting only what I had brought on myself. I drifted off into a fitful night of sleep. I dreamt of the night Adonai and I lay under the stars, whispering. He had told me he loved me, but I had scoffed at him. Now when I thought about those simple words, they filled my body and quieted my restless soul. My dream dramatically changed scenery when hundreds of demons started lurking in the background. I could see them, smell them, feel them, but Adonai…He couldn’t. He sat there, helpless, reminding me of his love as the demons crept up behind him, reaching out their greedy claws. I tried to warn him of the darkness lurking but he didn’t hear me. Finally, they grabbed him.

            “ADONAI! No, they’re coming for you!!” I jerk up from my dream, screaming bloody murder. I felt the next blow before I even saw the demon.

            “WHAT DID I TELL YOU??” He grabs me by the throat, preventing any air circulation. Unable to speak, I stare into the demon’s black eyes. I feel my breath grow fainter and was sure I was dying-hoped I was dying.

            This is the end, I think to myself. What a tragic ending to a dance that had once been so beautiful. But as he cluthces me by the neck, I noticed something in the demon’s eye. Something sparked when I had screamed Adonai’s name.

            Fear.

            The demon was afraid of Adonai.

            I summon up all my strength and croak out, “Adonai.” The demon hurls me on the ground, my body slamming against the floor. Pain explodes. Death awaits me, welcomes me.

            But I don’t give up, not quite yet.

            “Adonai. Adonai. Adonai.” I repeat his name over and over, each time growing bolder. Each time, the Demon grows weaker, his grip on me loosening. The terror in his black eyes ignites.

            I have discovered the demon’s weakest spot, his secret.

            He-yes, even he, is in some way I can't quite understand, subject to Adonai.

            The demon finally lets me go, turning away in disgust. I curl up in a damp corner, whimpering softly to myself. Salty tears run down my raw cheeks but I lack the motivation to dust them away.

            Where am I? Hell?

            Safe for the moment, I tentatively glance around.  I am deep, deep within a pit, not unlike a well in many aspects. The ground is muddy and damp and I hear a dripping noise coming from somewhere. I roll painfully over on my side and notice a faint trace of light far, far above me. For a brief moment, I feel a flicker of hope. Perhaps I can escape! But then reality, ever so stinging, sinks it. It's too far. I could never do it. Groaning, I twist on my back once again and drift off into a dreamless night of sleep.

            The next few days pass in a blurry haze, drifting between life and death. The demon is still there, guarding me, making sure I wouldn't make a foolish attempt to get away. I never do. I am smart enough to realize I can never make it out on my own. Never.

            Time drifted on...one week, maybe. Two? Who knows. I awake one morning to hear low voices and crouch forward to listen. When I hear the second voice, my heart stops beating for a moment. It was Him. He came! Relief floods over me and bubbles up in laughter. But...why? Why would he come after everything I had so cruelly done to him? 

            “Silence." Jesus, eyes compassionte, turns to me. "Cassandrella. My beloved.”
             Shaking my head, I summon the courage to look up.

            “Why? Why have you returned?”

            Yeshua pauses for a moment before replying, his voice dripping with emotion. “You really don't understand how much I love you, do you, child? Or the fact that I would to the earth and back to rescue my precious lamb? I love you, Cassendrella.”

             I hear sobbing and realize it’s my own. With those four words, a torrent of painful memories rush back, forcing me to dissolve to the ground like a puddle. Painful beatings. Getting screamed at. Humiliated. Wanting to die. He was the only one who had ever told me that he loved me but more importantly, he was the only one who had taken the time to show what true love was. And along the painful rush of memories also came sweet memories of happier times. Laying on the soft ground and looking at the canopy of twinkling stars with Yeshua. Picking wildflowers in the meadow. Splashing each other in the gurgling creek. Why had I left all of that? And for what? That was the question that still plagued  me everyday of my existence.

            “Come with me, Cassendrella. Today. Right now.”

            “I can't, my Lord. I...am ruined.”

            “And I am healer.” Yeshua disappears momentarily and then tosses something down the dark pit.
            A rope.

            “You can't do that!” screams the demon.

            “And I said SILENCE!” Yeshua thunders. Once again, he shifts his attention back to me. "Come with me. The choice is yours, Cassendrella. I won't make it for you. I provided the rope, now it is your turn to provide the choice."

            I take one shaky step forward. Then another. Then another. It is then that the demon starts speaking.

            “You're a failure, Cassendrella. You are worth nothing.”

            I hesitate, stumble, take my eyes off Yeshua.

            “Eyes on the finish line, daughter. You are beautiful. I love you.”

            “You are ugly. You belong here.” His words sting, not because they are the lies, but because they are the truth.

            He continues, “Do you understand what you did to him? You left him after everything he did for you. You betrayed him. And that's not the worst either. You crucified him. You-" he points a deformed finger in my face- "crucified him! After all he did for you and what did you give him in return? A bloody cross? Didn't you? DIDNT YOU?”

            “Shut up! I'm telling you once and for all, shut up!" The demon looks surprised and closes his mouth.

            “Yes, it's true. I can't deny any of it. I betrayed him. I walked away from everything he offered me. And yes...my choices, my past, my sin nailed him to the cross. But...but it's not my sins that kept him there either. It was his love.” With that, I take the final step forward and grasp the rough rope. The climb up is difficult and tedious, but Yeshua is there pulling me up and at long last, I reach the top, the end of my journey. I melt into Yeshua's comforting arms and murmur over and over, “I am sorry. I am so sorry.”

            "You are forgiven. You are forgiven." He whispers repeatedly into my hair. Arm and arm, we walk away into the a melting sunset of hazy purples, vibrant oranges, and creamy yellows.

            So there it is, my friends. The verdict is up to you. You are in a dark pit but there is a rope there, a rope leading to the sunshine and the loving arms of Yeshua. The choice, my friends, is entirely yours.